Faking Daily Bureau/Bangalore- Sabeer Bhatia, the man who gave the world Hotmail back when cyber cafés still sold samosas, has announced his grand comeback with a start-up that nobody asked for but everybody is now pretending to understand. His new company, IndexSingh.com, claims it will catapult Indian webpages straight onto America’s Google first page — because what is digital freedom if not spamming California with Gurugram’s kirana store blogs? Investors, displaying the same confidence they once showed in crypto goats and flying taxi prototypes, have poured an eye-watering $10 billion into the venture’s Series A round.
At a press event in Gurugram, Bhatia, flanked by giant cardboard cut-outs of Google’s search box, declared with a grin, “Email was so 1996. SEO is the new chakna.” He insisted IndexSingh would end the tyranny of American cat memes dominating search rankings. “Why should ‘best yoga mats’ show Minnesota mums when Patanjali has warehouses of options? Why should ‘cheap iPhone repair’ show New Jersey garages when Sector 14 has engineers who can fix it with Fevicol?”
The promise is simple: every Indian website, from your uncle’s astrology blog to your cousin’s wedding photography portal, will appear on the first page of U. S. Google searches. IndexSingh’s patent-pending algorithm, rumoured to be a glorified Excel macro, claims to rewire search visibility through what the company calls “desi digital jugaad.”
FD Staff at Faking Daily managed to get an “exclusive demo,” which involved typing “Donald Trump speeches” into Google and watching the top result redirect to a Lucknow paan shop website offering buy-one-get-one supari deals. Company engineers called it “proof of concept.”
Industry analysts are baffled yet fascinated. A Mumbai-based venture capitalist told FD Staff, “I invested because the PowerPoint slides had Bollywood gifs, and because Sabeer once invented Hotmail. If he could get people excited about free email when Yahoo was king, he can definitely make ‘Chole Bhature Near Me’ trend in Kansas.”
The headquarters in Gurugram is already being described as India’s Silicon Valhalla, fitted with meditation pods, gaming lounges, and a life-size golden statue of a Google search bar bowing to a turbaned SEO warrior. Employees are required to begin the day chanting “Om Rankings Namah” while sprinkling organic turmeric over their Wi-Fi routers. The company’s cafeteria reportedly serves “Algorithm Aloo Parathas” and “Backlink Biryani.”
Despite the hype, sceptics remain. Google insiders, speaking anonymously to FD Staff, suggested the firm’s confidence might be misplaced. One engineer was overheard muttering, “We don’t rank results based on whether someone shouted ‘Bharat Mata ki Jai’ three times into the backend code.” But IndexSingh counters that cultural assertion is itself a ranking factor, insisting that “patriotism improves click-through rates.”
Still, the $10 billion valuation has shaken the start-up ecosystem. Oyo executives were spotted outside IndexSingh’s Gurugram office, weeping quietly into their IPO paperwork. Paytm’s founder is rumoured to have offered his remaining stock portfolio as collateral just to get a seat at IndexSingh’s cafeteria. Swiggy reportedly plans to introduce “SEO-optimised samosa” delivery to ride the wave.
Bhatia is already courting the Indian diaspora, pitching IndexSingh as the ultimate revenge for decades of Western digital dominance. “They gave us Friends, we will give them Chhota Bheem reruns every time they search for Marvel,” he thundered to an audience of confused NRIs at a Silicon Valley banquet. He even promised a “Push Punjabi Pop” initiative to ensure every American teenager searching for ‘Taylor Swift tickets’ is first greeted by Daler Mehndi playlists.
Critics point out that America’s internet users may not appreciate every search result being rerouted through Haryana-based portals. But IndexSingh’s strategy document, leaked to FD Staff, makes its ambitions clear. Phase One: ensure that searching “Weather New York” leads to Gurugram meteorological updates. Phase Two: force every U. S. search for “MBA programs” to show advertisements for Indore colleges. Phase Three: subtly convince Americans that all pizza outlets are actually run from Karol Bagh.
While journalists tried to ask serious questions about the product roadmap, Bhatia remained unshaken. “Do you know why Indians are better at SEO?” he asked. “Because we invented jugaad. Americans think keyword stuffing is bad. We call it poetry.”
Investors are already fighting for a slice of the next funding round. A Dubai-based sovereign fund pledged $2 billion after hearing IndexSingh’s tagline, “From Gurugram to Googlegram.” A Bengaluru angel investor admitted he signed the cheque without understanding what SEO meant, thinking it was “Some Extra Ola service.”
Meanwhile, rival start-ups are scrambling. A stealth competitor, rumored to be backed by the Ambani family, is reportedly testing “SEO dhokla,” which optimises Gujarati recipes to dominate searches in Texas. Another start-up promises to rank your marriage biodata above Harvard’s MBA admission page.
Bhatia insists the end goal isn’t just financial. “This is digital independence. When an American searches for Silicon Valley, the first result will be Gurgaon’s DLF Cyberhub. That’s how we reclaim narrative sovereignty.” His speech drew standing ovations, followed by investors chanting “Series B, Series B” like a cricket crowd demanding sixes.
The government has thrown its weight behind IndexSingh, hailing it as a “national asset.” A senior minister promised subsidies, declaring, “Our ambition is for every American child’s first Google search to show them Indian culture, cuisine, and cricket memes.” Parliament is even considering a bill to make “SEO Yatras” mandatory, where ministers tour constituencies explaining backlinks to farmers.
Not all citizens are impressed. One Gurugram resident complained that since IndexSingh’s servers went live, his daughter’s homework search for “Photosynthesis” redirected her to a Faridabad real estate listing. Others grumbled that searching “Jobs USA” now only brings up openings for delivery boys in Noida.
But hype is relentless. IndexSingh T-shirts, mugs, and NFTs are already being sold on Myntra. Influencers on Instagram are offering “SEO-friendly pooja thalis.” Bollywood has announced a biopic titled “Ctrl+Alt+Singh,” with Ranveer Singh playing Sabeer Bhatia and Alia Bhatt as a supportive search algorithm.
At the heart of it all, Bhatia remains serenely confident. “When I launched Hotmail, nobody believed people would ever trust digital communication. Now, I will make the world trust Gurugram with their Google searches,” he said, sipping masala chai from a cup emblazoned with the words “First Page or Bust.”