Patanjali's Ayurvedic Masks Now Mediate Legal Battles

In a move that would make yogis do a double downward-facing dog, Patanjali Ayurved Limited has unveiled their latest innovation:the "Nyayavastra" (Garment of Justice) mask. This "revolutionary" product, according to a press release that liberally borrowed terminology from ancient Sanskrit medical texts, promises to "purify the aura of legal proceedings" and "usher in an era of amicable dispute resolution. "

The mask, crafted from a blend of organic khadi imbued with "sacred herbs known to promote peace and tranquility, " comes standard with a pre-installed audio chip that emits calming mantras upon inhalation. The chip, a result of Patanjali's foray into "bio-acoustic jurisprudence, " is claimed to subliminally nudge the wearer towards a more conciliatory disposition.

The brainchild of yoga guru and company founder Baba Ramdev, the Nyayavastra mask's development comes amidst Patanjali's ongoing legal tussle with lawyer Prashant Bhushan. The two have been locked in a bitter public spat, exchanging barbs and lawsuits with the ferocity of MMA fighters. However, in a recent, uncharacteristic turn of events, Ramdev announced a settlement with Bhushan, offering a symbolic ₹1 to close the case.

Eagle-eyed observers were quick to notice Ramdev sporting a prototype of the Nyayavastra mask during a press conference announcing the settlement. When questioned by reporters, Ramdev, with a suspiciously serene expression, attributed his newfound conciliatory spirit to "regular meditation practices and a renewed focus on inner peace. " He did, however, concede that the "prototype definitely helped with the background noise" during his discussions with Bhushan's lawyers.

The legal fraternity is divided on the efficacy of the Nyayavastra mask. Senior advocate H. R. Mahajan dismissed it as "a gimmick, " suggesting that "perhaps a good night's sleep and a strong cup of filter coffee would be more effective. " However, a consortium of judges, tired of years of courtroom histrionics, have expressed cautious optimism. Justice S. C. Verma, known for his impatience with belligerent lawyers, remarked, "Anything that promotes civility in the courtroom is worth a try, even if it smells faintly of lemongrass and sandalwood. "

Patanjali, meanwhile, is cashing in on the buzz. The Nyayavastra mask is already a top seller on their online portal, with glowing testimonials from satisfied customers. One user, a disgruntled tenant embroiled in a rent dispute with his landlord, swears by the mask's ability to "muffle the other side's outrageous demands. " Another customer, a traffic cop notorious for issuing hefty fines, claims the mask has "significantly reduced the urge to yell at errant drivers. "

Whether the Nyayavastra mask truly heralds a new era of peaceful dispute resolution or is simply a cleverly marketed air freshener remains to be seen. But one thing is certain:in the ever-dramatic world of Indian litigation, even the most outlandish claims can find eager customers.

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