Lapwings, those masked-and-spurred turf defenders found nesting on grassy grounds—from suburban carparks to supermarket rooftops—are known to enact dramatic ground-defence routines. Wing-flapping, shrieking, swooping: all part of their repetoire. These birds don’t just tolerate interlopers; they weaponise yellow spurs in what locals call “avian MMA”. Until now, their audition for bigotry-themed reality TV was limited to scaring off dogs, cats, and occasionally low-flying ravens. But lesbians? That’s a storyline nobody expected—but soon, everyone’s chirping about it.
A resident avian enthusiast—also an amateur dramatist and self-styled bird whisperer—tells FD Staff: “The lapwings huffed. The lapwings puffed. Then they launched like feathered missiles at the couple walking Bella, a golden retriever with impeccable leash manners.” According to the witness, the pair held hands in defiance as lapwing talons flapped alarmingly close. “It was as if they were shouting: ‘This is a straight couple’s territory!’” the observer added, theatrically.
While the words “lesbian” and “lapwing” have never been grouped together in headline history, it should come as no surprise. These birds have an impressive nesting-season résumé: they swoop at cattle, sheep, suburban pets—and, true to form, have been observed defending mock nests to distract predators. One can only imagine the brainstorm in their birdbrain conclave: “Lesbians and dogs together? That’s double the threat. Must protect eggs.”
Masked lapwing parenting is no laughing matter. They defend their territory against vultures, coucals, and fish-eagle species—with precision. Their chicks, vulnerable after hatching, rely on swift parental interventions—swoop, screech, repeat. But apparently their fearlessly inclusive list of intruders now extends to anything kinky, canine, or couples standing in close proximity.
India may not be their traditional stomping ground—these are Australia’s heroes of suburban suburbia—but such defensive grandeur has global inspiration. On every corner where lapwings mingle close enough to humans, they push back against perceived intruders—especially during nesting seasons that typically begin after the June solstice. In our zenith of identity politics, what's to stop ground-nesting birds from picking sides? The lapwings might interpret the lesbian couple as a “dual threat”: women in proximity, dog in tow, and love on display. Three hate-cues in one go.
Experts say lapwings “are shy and harmless in summer but will nest anywhere… attacking with feet or their wing spur”. Ipswich birdwatcher and self-declared avian counsellor, Rajesh Chatterjee, suggests we’re witnessing a broader wildlife backlash: “It’s desi‑fi revival,” he muses. “These lapwings have had enough of urban encroachments—if that includes expressions of LGBTQIA+ identity, so be it. They’ve relaunched themselves as feathery moral police.”
FD Staff reached out to a lapwing spokesperson—no surprise, they didn’t respond. But their spokesperson as captured on camera—a male lapwing sporting formidable wing-carot spikes—seemed less apologetic. “Squawk,” he said, interpreted as, “Lesbians walking dogs? Worst kind of cockwomble.”
Meanwhile, Bella the golden retriever provided an elegiac commentary: tail stiff, ears low, as feathers flitted across the pavement. Her owner, “Lesbian Sandra”, reportedly retorted, “Well, if they're going to demonise lesbians and dogs, maybe they can explain their stance on straight joggers with hoses. Oh right—they only swoop straight folks who bring balloons.”
The story aged like fine wine—except it’s in a pressurised birthing ground. Every pair of lapwings is a fortress. One nest discovered in an unlikely spot—a carpark near a school oval—triggered mass panic among parents. Even airplanes have been forced to swerve to avoid lapwings nesting on tarmacs. These are no timid feathered wallflowers.
Yet somehow, this lesbian-dog-walking incident feels like peak lapwing—a watershed moment where avian defensiveness meets social controversy. City council winged-squad has since issued an advisory: beware swooping lapwings, especially if walking a dog with a same-sex partner. No official terminology issued, but Facebook threads are bristling. “It’s the lapwing patriarchy,” one commenter posted. Others demanded inclusion training for birds—lapwings to attend workshops on intersectional oppression.
Meanwhile, wildlife NGOs emphasise it’s not about sexual orientation—the birds are just reacting to motion, perceived threat, and nests. Yet, the lapwings themselves seem to cling to conspiracy theories. Miss Peggy Featherbottom, local bird-lover and self-appointed lapwing liaison, observed: “They stared at the couple, tilted their heads like they’d never seen blue hair and a Star of David dog-tag. Then swooped.” She adds: “Lesbians, check your canine credentials. These lapwings are watching.”
As India’s avian watchers tune in, we anticipate escalating drama. Lapwings vs lesbians, dogs in the crossfire; suburban streets turning into ideological battlegrounds; birds picking sides. Is this nature’s way of saying “hands off our turf—and our moral codes!”? Or merely evolutionary alarm systems gone overboard? One thing is sure: these birds are bringing identity politics to new heights—right above our dog‑walking lesbians.