The move has sent shockwaves across its workforce, who now face the irony of receiving the directive on Teams, during a Teams meeting, where the Teams product team was told their team must work on Teams onsite because Teams is not a good way for teams to work on Teams. Employees who dared to ask questions were met with buffering silence and the dreaded “Your network connection is poor” pop-up, which management clarified was not metaphorical.
FD Staff at fakingdaily. com contacted a Microsoft spokesperson, who defended the policy by saying, “We believe in eating our own dog food, but when the dog food makes you sick, it’s best to return to the kennel. Also, employees in the office make better use of our chairs.”
The announcement has been pitched as a bold step to “redefine productivity.” According to an internal memo, Microsoft executives conducted a survey with a sample size of three interns and two vending machines, concluding that 89% of respondents felt “physically present people look more muted than muted icons on Teams.” This, the company insists, proves the need for an office comeback.
The Teams developers are said to be “heartbroken but not shocked.” One engineer, speaking on condition of anonymity because they were still stuck in a breakout room from last week, told FD Staff, “I knew something was off when our code review turned into a five-hour debate over who forgot to mute while ordering pani puri. If we can’t manage Teams meetings about Teams, why would anyone else?”
Employees worldwide are grappling with the new diktat. In Hyderabad, workers reported being summoned back to glass cubicles just to stare at the same Teams grid but now with added air conditioning noise and the smell of burnt samosas wafting from the cafeteria. “At least when I was at home, my mother could mute me with parathas,” sighed one employee.
Microsoft India HR, however, is enthusiastic. “It’s about culture,” said one HR manager, while adjusting the decorative ‘We Are Family’ poster behind her. “Work from home killed serendipitous encounters like awkwardly avoiding your boss in the lift. We want to bring those magical moments back. Also, the company’s beanbag vendor is pressuring us to clear inventory.”
Satirical economists estimate that the policy could lead to a 400% increase in chai breaks, a 300% rise in fake bathroom trips, and a 200% surge in people pretending to type furiously when the manager walks by. The stock market, predictably, yawned.
The irony deepened when Microsoft’s official statement was published on LinkedIn, alongside cheerful emojis. “We are proud to announce that employees will once again collaborate in physical spaces, the way nature intended,” read the post. Below it, disgruntled developers commented with GIFs of goats fainting and cricket memes captioned “Yeh Teams kya hai?”
Analysts say this move could be part of a wider strategy to rebrand Teams as a gym membership. “It’s less about software, more about guilt,” explained one consultant. “You pay for it, you don’t use it, and then you tell people you’re better because you have it.”
The FD Staff also obtained a leaked agenda of Microsoft’s future initiatives. These include “Teams++,” a premium subscription that allows employees to cry silently in HD during meetings, and “Teams Offline,” a revolutionary feature where you stop using Teams altogether and just talk to the person next to you.
Meanwhile, competitors are gleeful. Zoom issued a statement reading, “At least we never pretended to be fun.” Slack posted a passive-aggressive GIF of Ryan Gosling shrugging, which industry insiders interpret as “we told you so.” Google Meet engineers, however, were reportedly too busy trying to log in to Google Meet to respond.
Employees have begun grassroots resistance. Some have started forming underground “Teamless Teams,” meeting in car parks with whiteboards to replicate brainstorms without surveillance. Others have proposed moving entirely to WhatsApp groups named “Officially Unofficial Official Team Chat.” A rogue group even suggested reviving Orkut communities, arguing, “At least we could throw scraps.”
Microsoft leadership remains firm. CEO Satya Nadella allegedly addressed senior managers with the mantra: “Together in office we thrive. Apart we Teams, together we scream.” Attendees clapped politely, though insiders claim half the applause came from the auto-generated “Applause Reaction” in Teams.
The new mandate also includes an incentive programme: employees who clock the most office hours will win “Microsoft Reward Points,” redeemable for wallpaper downloads from Bing. Those who refuse to comply will be forced to watch a 12-hour training session on “How to Use Teams Effectively,” a punishment experts describe as “the modern corporate equivalent of solitary confinement.”
Indian workers are reportedly considering the situation with stoic humour. One Bengaluru developer quipped, “If they want me to return to office just to open Teams, then fine. But I’ll expense every plate of bonda bajji like it’s cloud storage.” Another added, “Maybe the real bug is not Teams—it’s us thinking work was ever about convenience.”
A whisper campaign has also emerged suggesting Microsoft might secretly be preparing to launch “Teams IRL,” a subscription where employees pay to meet their colleagues in person, but still require a two-factor authentication code before shaking hands. A patent filing uncovered by FD Staff described it as “a disruptive synergy of flesh, presence and enterprise licensing.”